With less than four weeks before our wedding, and given that it’s now the final week of term, and I still have my last assignment... barely written, my life may be a little hectic right now.
Now is the time when all the little holes in my wedding planning are starting to show through;
Two days ago, I realised that while I’m planning to assign tables at our lunch reception, I didn’t have any table numbers, escort cards, or anything to help guests find their seat.
Our table platter samples
We’ve sampled lovely table platters from caterers, which we were planning to serve to the centre of each table, (Which is called ‘Family style service’ elsewhere in the world), but yesterday, our venue church got back to me with the size of their tables - as I had worried, they aren’t wide enough to serve food to the middle of the tables. Yikes! We need more tables. Instead of working on my assignment yesterday, I went on a quest to solve the tables problem. (I did buy the audiobook of one of the text books I should have read before now, and listened to the first 2 hours of it while I was doing other things. Audiobooks are great, all textbooks should be available in audio format.) Anyway, putting 2 skinny church tables together will create a much better surface for serving food. Think we’ve got some we can borrow from another church - it’s all coming along.
Testing how many could fit at each table, if need be.
An early draft of our seating plan. Not a lot of extra room!
Yikes! But this is also a very happy time, because the closer the time comes, the more excited I am! No matter what goes wrong with the reception plans, I get to marry my sweetheart in 24 days!
It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog, largely because I was able to get a couple of weeks of full time work as an in-home child-caregiver for a superwoman who is both a single mum and an essential worker. (: I spent most of my energy hanging out with two of the coolest little boys, so when I got home, there was barely enough left to keep up with my study and wedding planning, let along writing blog posts. I spent a lot of time collapsed on the couch next to Simon consuming Star Trek Enterprise like the soul medicine it is.
When I last wrote, I was in a state where I felt depressed - just for a couple of days, as a reaction both to the lockdown and to the havoc this has wrecked on my wedding plans. It's not really even that I'm upset by the idea of the wedding turning out any particular way, but it's more my reaction to the stress and pressure of not only having to meet the expectations of two families in organising this event, but having to change plans so many times, and build plans that can adapt to the constantly changing scope of pandemic.
On that note, if you make a plan A, and a plan B, but then something comes along that should go between them, does it become the plan B and the previous plan B become plan C, or does it become plan A.1? Well, I'm waiting on the government announcement today to hear whether my current plan A.2 is likely to be allowed if New Zealand is at level 2 in our pandemic response by that time, or whether I'll have to go on to plan A.3 and 4, which I've vaguely given thought to.
So, here's what seems to be going on with our wedding plans:
Plan A:
Our original plan, before the pandemic started, was to have a wedding with an invite list of around 150 people in Christchurch in July.
Plan A.1
One of New Zealand's first responses to the pandemic, during what was then called 'Alert level 2' was to ban non-essential gatherings of 100 people or more. Plan A.1 was to have a wedding with 99 people (Including bride and groom and any vendors present at one time) in Christchurch in July.
Plan A.2
Due to concerns about family members with health conditions, and the general spread of our guests, we have realised that it will be better for most people if we hold our wedding in Wellington, as most of our families live in the lower North Island and will be able to drive there. However, while it makes it easier for family to attend, the people we interact with day-to-day are in Christchurch, so we are planning a second celebration in Christchurch in order to celebrate with these people. We are hoping that this wellington wedding will be allowed to go ahead with 99 people, but if not,
Plan A.3
In the event that we are only allowed a gathering of less than 99, say less than 50, we will have to choose a group of close family and wedding party members, to attend the ceremony, and would have to ask others to watch the ceremony over a weblink. In this case, if we are able, we may split our guest count into two receptions, perhaps an afternoon tea and a dinner.
Realistically, if there were enough of a risk of COVID 19 in New Zealand for us to need to have 2 receptions, we would need to think seriously about whether it was responsible to hold such an event, however, for now, it remains an option to think about.
Plan B.
Even at Alert levels 3 &4, it is legal to have a wedding in New Zealand provided no more than 10 people are present, and no food is served. If this is the case, we will endeavour to have both sets of our parents present in Wellington, and will have a celebration for our wider friends and family at a later date. While we will be saddened if we cannot have all our friends and family celebrating with us, don't feel to bad for us, no matter what, I get to marry my best friend. Who knows, maybe we can have a drive-by reception, like these couples.
This one's not on You Tube so I can't make it display on the blog post, but I promise it's worth clicking on:
So, you see, I just watched Jamie Wolfer's video on when to book vendors and I have to laugh.
Book your venue 9 months in advance? Well, I tried. Now I have less than 3 months, and nothing is booked. The situation is made more chaotic by the reality that at this stage, we don't know when we will know what we will be able to do come July. Nothing can be set in stone. For every option I explore, I am ensuring it is refundable or at least transferrable. The thing is, I don't even know what is up with my wedding. But, God does. I go through stages, but I am not upset or anxious about this today. I am excited. This is an adventure, as is marriage. Not everything can go your way, even if you are planning a wedding in the best of times. While I absolutely reserve the right to feel upset for a time when things don't go my way, I know that whatever happens, my wedding will only last for one day. So if it's great, I'll have a great day. If it's terrible, at least the next morning, I'll wake up next to my sweetheart. I can't wait to see how it's going to turn out.
Greetings reader,
happy resurrection day.
That is, I wish you a happier day than I am having. Today is the anniversary in weeks, or the closest guess we can make to it, of the greatest day in history, the day when Jesus Christ came back from the dead. With His resurrection, the subsequent resurrections of all those who trust in Him were ensured. This day is usually a day of celebration for all Christians. I usually love Easter Sunday. However, I'm really struggling to feel like celebrating.
The last two days of lockdown, day 16 and 17, I have felt like I was slowly starting to loose the sense of peace and joy that I had managed to keep until then. Some disagreements have started within the family about what best to do with the wedding plans, which has further complicated and taxed on my emotions. I was utterly exhausted by the end of yesterday, but this morning I woke at 2.22am and couldn't get back to sleep. Chocolate has turned into something with which to attempt to fill the void within myself. It never makes me any happier.
My church elder has been posting experts from the gospels to our church chat group. Retelling the events of Jesus' crucifixion on Friday, and resurrection this morning. I haven't been engaging with it. At times I have tried, but I can't concentrate. I have an inner sense that I am the one who is depriving myself of the opportunity to worship by holding on to my worries, and not casting them before my Lord to cast my eyes upon Him. I've known that I should do this, but I don't want to. I'm not at all expecting that when I do, this sadness and worry will go away, but I still know it is what I am called to do. Through years of having to deal with anxiety, I have come to theorise that Anxiety is not a sin, for our Lord Jesus Himself, the one who had no sin, showed signs of anxiety over his own death in the garden of gethsemane, but anxiety becomes a sin when the Christian harbours it and refuses to bring it to God. I suppose it is similar with sadness. My Heavenly father wants me to share this sadness with Him. I only hope that I can. But I know He can give me the strength to do it.
This day reminds me that even while I am wallowing in my sorrows, holding on to fear or anger that is uncalled for, even while I am in my sinful state, My Lord Jesus is looking down at me from Heaven, interceding for me. This is a grace which I do not deserve. Oh Lord, How good You are.
Though I am a Christian, I like to celebrate passover with my family. We don’t observe with ceremonial accuracy as Jews do, and we do it for different reasons. For Jews, passover is about remembering their family History. When Christians tell the story, we are telling a story of people who are not in our family heritage, but are in our faith heritage. Christians believe that the symbolism of sacrificing a lamb on Passover so that God’s chosen people could be delivered from slavery foreshadowed the sacrifice of Jesus Christ so that God’s chosen persons from all around the world could be delivered from our slavery from sin. And make no mistake, I know that I am under no obligation to observe passover as a Christian. I do it out of desire for an extra thing to celebrate, and as something which aids worship.
For readers unfamiliar with the passover seder, it is a ritual whereby the story of the Hebrew people, the ancestors of the Jewish people, were delivered from slavery in Egypt by God, and brought out to journey to their promised land. During this ceremony, many generations of a family usually gather together in one home to celebrate around a table or a living room. A meal is eaten in the middle of the ceremony, but not until everyone has listened to recitations from the Song of Solomon, sung a couple of songs, told the passover story, and had the first two ceremonial glasses of wine or grape juice, which everyone drinks together at certain points in the ceremony. Many Christians are unaware that Jews usually do not eat roast lamb for their passover meal. That stopped happening when the temple was destructed in 70ad. There is now nowhere to make animal sacrifices. Jews share a smorgasbord of traditional but unleavened Jewish foods over the table. However, Christians believe that sacrifices are no longer necessary because Jesus’ sacrifice was enough to cover sin, and reconcile people to God for all time. My family share a meal of roast lamb as Passover, to celebrate that the lamb of God has come, once and for all. It is not the ceremonial sacrificed lamb, and we don’t treat it as such. The ceremonial sacrificed lamb was only for circumcised Jewish families to eat, and any leftovers were to be burned.
I felt that celebrating passover was especially important in the current climate: Not only would it give us something to celebrate, and an event with which to mark the passing of time in our lockdown, but since the events of the exodus were bittersweet, the passover seder includes rituals that help to remember and grieve sadness, while also celebrating joy.
One of these rituals is the dipping of parsley in salt water. Parsley has come to be used because the celebration takes place in Spring - in the Northern hemisphere. It is sometimes said to celebrate new life, or the growth of the Hebrew people. This parsley is dipped in salt water, which represents the tears of the Hebrew people while in slavery.
A little later in the ceremony, the story of the exodus is told. After this, a glass of wine or grape juice is drunken to celebrate God’s deliverance of his people. I don’t know how widespread this custom is in Jewish circles, but I like to remove a drop from the cups for each of the plagues that were sent on Egypt, to acknowledge that the joy of freedom for the Israelites came with a cost. Then, we remove one more drop for all the suffering in the world today. This year, that came with going around the table, with everyone saying their own prayer for the world in the face of the virus.
The final ritual involving bittersweetness (literally) is the hillel sandwich - that the sweet charoset - a mixture of sweet honey, nuts, and fruit, is eaten with bitter “maror” - some bitter food -usually ground horseradish. The maror was eaten to as a picture to all the Israelite and Jewish generations of how bitter their slavery had been. The charoset, -supposed to look like mortar that the slaves used to make bricks- eaten with the maror can remind us how God can bring deliverance, sweetness, and love to any situation.
At the moment, my reality is very bitter-sweet. In my bubble of 6 people including my fiancé, I am doing well, but I know that so many people are struggling. Aside from the suffering caused by the corona virus itself, the lockdown is making it hard for many people, and it is hardest for single parent families and adults living alone. I’m starting to think more about our wedding plans. We are hoping to be able to go ahead with our planned July date, but I am feeling sad knowing that would likely mean a very different wedding than I had originally hoped for. I am counting down, and there are 99 days to go. I am feeling excited but sad at the same time.
One of the many ways the COVID 19 virus has disrupted life has been disrupting wedding plans. Here’s my story.
Simon and I met in February last year - having found each other on a Christian dating site, and started talking, we found that we just clicked. After getting engaged in December, we had taken some time before setting the date for our wedding - because we wanted to make sure we were prepared relationally before jumping in to the rush of wedding planning.
In a culture where weddings are increasingly expensive and centred around fulfilling the bride’s dreams and desires, I had always wanted to have a wedding that stood out for a different reason.
To me, a wedding should not be about making the bride look good, or showing off her family’s wealth or hospitality. The wedding is a celebration of two becoming one. Hospitality is an important part of it, but only to aid this celebration.Marriage is sacred to us as Christians, because in marriage, we remember a picture of something much greater- the joining of ourselves, the church, to Jesus Christ. As far as fancy things like decorations, flowers, and a pretty dress, these to me are only extras. These extras are nice, don’t get me wrong. I do particularly love flowers and dancing, but the more you focus on these things, the more you have to focus on, and the more you can seem to let go of what is really important- you’re getting married. You’re vowing your life to another person- creating what should be the strongest bond that can be created between humans.
Finally, in late February, we talked to our parents and decided to set the wedding date for July. I was so excited, but so nervous. In the weeks that followed, especially as I started my final year of studies, I began to feel more and more pressure, I couldn't focus in class because thoughts of all the decisions I had yet to make for the wedding pressed in around me from every side. What colours would my bridesmaids wear? I allowed them to choose their own colours, but then worried about whether they would look good together. What would we do for the food? Simon wanted his groomsmen in coloured waistcoats. How would these not clash with my bridesmaids?
In the background of these worries, I watched through the TV screen as an outbreak of disease began, far away, in China. This was the fourth epidemic I had watched through a TV screen in my lifetime. SARS had affected me because it had meant my dad got to stay home and play with me for several days after returning from a trip to China. Swine flu made it here, when I was 11, it hadn't become widespread, and hadn't even scared me. The Ebola outbreak in my early years of high school had been terrible because many of those affected had such limited resources, but again, I had watched through a screen, cried, prayed. I had always cared about the people I knew were suffering, but I had learned in my life that if I allowed myself to become weighed down with other's sorrow all the time, I would never do anything else, so a protective emotional disconnect remained in place. The idea that this new outbreak might become a problem for us here was unimaginable.
Then one day, less than two weeks ago, it became apparent that it would affect us. Simon asked me how I would feel if we had to have a small ceremony with just our friends who lived locally. Suddenly realised the truth - I would feel relieved if that were the case. Instead of doing all the things you 'have' to do for a wedding, we would actually end up simply celebrating the beginning of our married life. Since we began planning the wedding, I had been operating with inclusivity as a priority. I would rather invite all those friends and family who had been part of our lives, and spend $5 feeding each, than regret that a friend couldn't join because I couldn't afford their crayfish dinner. However, operating on this basis meant that we were looking at inviting around 150 people, and this had silently been adding to the weight on my shoulders. We called family and let them know of this possibility. Understandably, some would not be happy if they were unable to be at the wedding due to travel restrictions. We also heard of bans of large gatherings in other countries, and realised there was a possibility that we wouldn't be able to have much of a gathering at all, so we resolved that plan B would be to satisfy the legal side with whatever number of people we were legally allowed, and then to hold a renewal of vows and reception later. I do remember saying to Simon. "But what if they put us into lockdown like they have in Spain? Where only one person is allowed out to get groceries?" "I don't think that will happen in New Zealand" he said.
Well, now New Zealand is in lockdown. If the current restrictions remain in place on the date we planned, we will not legally be able to get married. Even if we had a marriage license, we are not allowed to ask an officiant to come to marry us. Simon's parents would not be allowed to travel to see us get married. Even my gran who lives a 5 minute walk away would not be allowed. At the moment, I have no clue what will become of our wedding plans. It seems unthinkable that the current level of alert and restrictions would stay in place this long, but it seemed unthinkable that it would happen at all just two weeks ago. I let all of this worry and grieve me for a day, but then I stopped.
I realised that I was grieving over a plan, which I had put a lot of energy into, but which had become adverse to the values I originally thought I had about a wedding. I had originally wanted our wedding to focus on celebrating our union, and the union of Christ with the Church. So quickly, I had gotten tied up in worrying about the very details I didn't value.
I actually feel relieved now. I am not currently doing any work at all toward the wedding, because I don't know what is going to happen, and I know that whatever does happen, I'm getting married, and that is the most important part.
Yesterday, New Zealand’s Prime Minister announced that the country would, at midnight on Wednesday, go into ‘alert level 4’ a total lockdown of all non-essential business, schools, and childcare facilities. The lockdown will last at least 4 weeks. I don’t know if anyone was surprised. We had all been expecting this, since we’d known on Saturday that the government was investigating two cases of community transmission of COVID-19, and that if they turned out to in fact, have been transmitted by the community, this step would inevitably follow. Still, after Simon read me the news, I did start to feel a need to prepare.
We were half way through a Star Trek episode, which he wanted to finish. However, I didn’t want to sit down and pretend like nothing was happening. I wanted to be doing something to help myself - to help my family, to get things and prepare for what was ahead. Knowing that shops were still open, and that in less than three days time, I would no longer have access to them, and knowing that I still needed some winter clothes, I started to feel antsy. Not anxious, not really, just a desire to feel like I was doing something about my situation, and a feeling of annoyance that Simon seemed to be trying to ignore it. “What do you need?” Simon asked. “Pants?” You don’t have to go anywhere for 4 weeks, you can just wear pyjama pants.” No. No, I couldn’t. I needed to get up and get dressed and do work in those 4 weeks. I needed to keep myself in routine for my own health. I needed pants.
So as soon as my mum got home with the car, we did go out shopping. Simon looked at google and saw that The Warehouse, my destination for the pants that I needed, was twice as busy as usual, so we decided to go to another location first - a hardware shop. We have been meaning to build a hutch for our rabbit Jasper- who is currently living in my room. Now we were going to have 4 weeks at home together.* Now was the time to do it. The shop was busy, but not even pre-christmas busy. I laughed out loud when I saw the seeds rack - all the plants that could be grown for consumption this season were sold out. No worries, we have a pretty well equipped garden at home, and I had already started my salad garden. While we were searching the ailes, we heard a staff member remarking to another that somebody had stollen their hand santitizer from their desk. There was a pretty big line by the time we got in line, but by the time we had been served, there was no-one behind us. The panic was over?
The Warehouse had calmed down by the time we got there. My mum had text me with some orders for the family. Glad I had gone out. We called my dad and checked for orders. None. Okay. We saw the stacks of easter chocolate and checked our phones, only two weeks until Easter. No church in New Zealand would have an Easter service - at least not an in person one. This really was a thing that had never happened before.
As Simon and I got back in the car, I said “That was actually fun.”
“It was” Simon said.
“We panic shopped.”
“We panic shopped, slowly, and carefully.”
“It’s not really panic shopping then is it, it’s really just shopping.”
“You know, I’m looking forward to spending four weeks at home with you.*”
“Me too.” “It’s going to be an adventure.”
*In case you’re wondering, Simon and I do not usually live together. He happened to be on his day off, and round at my place when we heard the news. He made the decision to let his flatmate feed his cat, and move in to the caravan outside my parents’ place for the lockdown period, as this was a way we could safely see each other during this time. As Christians, we practice celibacy before marriage. More on what marriage means to us later- I’m sure.
Hi,
My name is Michaela O’Neill.
I live in New Zealand, I’m 22 years old, I’m engaged to Simon Hulse, and I am getting married on the 18th of July - I hope.
Last week, I thought that planning a wedding was stressful. There seemed to be so much to do, and I was late to do all of it. On top of that, I was a Theology student, sister to a 12 year old and 13 year old sisters, (And a 20 year old brother, but he doesn’t need me so much) and, okay, I will use this term, ‘pet- mummy’ to three cheeky rabbits and two cats. Well, now planning my wedding feels like the least of my concerns.
In the days since the reality that this crisis was inevitably going to impact New Zealand, my life, and my wedding planning, in a big way, hit, I have found myself looking on the internet to see how others are going through the same experience. I feel that in sharing the experience, I feel less alone. I have created this blog to share my experiences. It is called “Not so secret thoughts of a pandemic bride to be” but it is not only going to be about wedding/ bridal stuff. I make a lot of jokes about the situation. Some might think they’re in bad taste, but I believe there’s great value in laughter, it can turn your outlook from one of despair, anxiety, panic, dread, to one of finding joy and humour even in the little things.
I am also aware, as I make my jokes, that I am not likely to be affected anywhere near as badly as many others have. I have had to drastically alter my wedding plans, that is nothing compared to the pain of the many people who has lost family members, or the pain, fear, and isolation of many more battling pneumonia alone in hospitals. Or even the loneliness and boredom of those who live alone in our society, who are now very alone. These are situations I could not make jokes of. These are tragic, and if this is happening to you, I am sorry. I can’t make this situation any better. I can’t even make you feel any better, but I hope that sharing my experiences, and my bad-taste jokes, will help somebody, even if it’s only myself.
